For example, christmongers (also known as Xians, christards, and other assorted names) believe that there's some god out there who actually likes us, and who likes everyone. But come on, who likes everyone? Even my really annoying Aunt Esther who has this really bad rash on her neck that oozes some kinda weird goo and talks with a lisp? (I mean the goo talks with a lisp, not Aunt Esther. Duh.) Nobody likes her. Somebody would have to be crazy to like her. But christmongers say that their gawd likes her. Therefore, the bible god is crazy. It's a proven fact, see? I just proved it!
And another thing is, christmongers can't see how hateful their god is. Well, I mean, for starters, a truly good god would make sure that I never had anything to complain about. But I'm really clumsy, see, and every morning before I have my daily injection of caffeine and LSD, I stub my toe on a little statue lion that 'god' keeps forgetting to move out of the middle of the doorway. Now, if this god were really there and were really as cool as christmongers say she is, he'd do something! Like, maybe he'd create a whole bunch of tiny winged elves out of air molecules and arm them with itty-bitty lasers and have them whittle away super-fast at the lion while standing on my toe so that my toe wouldn't ever hit it. But apologists say that'd be too obvious. But couldn't 'god' create a second army of magic elves to reconstruct the statue at almost light speed so that I'd never notice? Why not? Is the bible god too dumb to see what a brilliant idea I have?
This "Argument from My Stubbed Toe" is just one more reason added to an already infinite list why nobody who can breathe should believe in Xianity. Plus, just look at the holy bibble itself! I mean, check out this moral travesty!
See with what large letters I have written to you with my own hand! (Galatians
6:11)
That's just sickening!!!!!!! I can't believe anyone, no matter how twisted, could consider a hateful message of bigotry like that to be divinely inspired! Can't you all see what this "St." Paul was doing? He bragged to the little cults in Galatia--you know, those "churches", ugh...--that he was writing in "large letters". You get it, right? Paul was deliberately wasting PAPER!!!! Haven't you heard how scarce paper was in the superstitious, pre-scientific world? And there he was, wasting precious resources on purpose! Where were the conservationists then? Oh, that's right, the early christmongers persecuted anyone who disagreed with their paper-wasting founder! (Jesus, after all, is just a myth based on pagan deities like Anubis, Enlil, Loki, and Ronald McDonald, all of whom were obviously crucified between two insurrectionists and then physically resurrected, which was really appealing to a bunch of people in the first-century Mediterranean world, especially the ones who did a lot of mushrooms just like the wise John Allegro said. That's how Xianity started.) How terrible! It makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry, just thinking about all that wasted paper! (Well, except that I'm afraid of getting in the fetal position because my co-bloggers might try to abort me. Uh, not that there's anything wrong with that.) It's even worse than this terrible passage:
There were white and blue linen curtains fastened with cords of fine linen
and purple on silver rods and marble pillars; and the couches were of gold and
silver on a mosaic pavement of alabaster, turquoise, and white and black marble.
(Esther 1:6)
DISGUSTING! It's things like this that make me want to vomit on somebody's baby. I mean, there's no need for that sort of extravagance. Think of how many freethought non-tracts could've been published with all the money we could get by selling off all that fancy, uh, stuff? But no, instead of helping us spread the message about how evil and non-existent he is, the bible god just sticks this in there to taunt us with wealth! That jerk!
Oh, and one more thing! Xianity claims to be original, but don't they know that Xi'an is a city in China? Ha, those moron christmongers! The only difference is that... that comma thing that hovers so creepily there... as if it's watching me no matter what I do... just like the Xian god is supposed to watch everybody all the time... which is really creepy, because that means he sees me in the middle of the night when I sacrifice chipmunks and wet myself in terror... and he was watching that time back in college when I got so wasted and high at that one party and ended up licking the inside of a toilet because I thought it was made of glow-in-the-dark candy... and how creepy is it that the god these people worship would want to watch that? What a pervert... just like the thing in the name Xi'an... wait... The bible god is a floating comma!!!!
I'll have to run this fresh insight by my mentor, His Imperial Highness of Reason and Freethought, Master of Objectivity, John W. Locust.........
3 comments:
Hairy McNugget: You get it, right? Paul was deliberately wasting PAPER!!!!
Vytautas: Does not your blog post waste valuable web space? The guys at Google have to work harder by adding extra servers to accomodate your critisms of Paul.
Our web space is in peak condition, thank you very much.
Sheesh, you'd think you would know better especially when it comes to Biblical characters being so environmentally wasteful! Blah!
Vytautas must be one of those defective christmongers, so let me try to put it in simple terms for his feeble little brain. In today's society, we live in a time of plenty. More servers? Even if so, no problem! It's not like they're made of solid gold, after all. A little bit of extra work? Worth the effort! Ah, but in the world of Paul? Paper was horribly expensive! Why, paper was an incredibly limited good. If you ever read anything but Dr. Seuss, you'd know that. So the cases aren't at all comparable. Besides, as the great thinker John Locust already pointed out to you, our web space is in peak condition! Idiot Xian...
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