A Fool According to His Folly!

You know what? Back when I was still a dumb fundy Christian, I used to do serious Bible study all the time. I went to the Holy Babble for everything. I mean, one time, I had to make a decision as to whether to ask this girl out or not, right? She was the prettiest girl in class and I felt like a real idiot thinking I should ask her out. So I got on my knees, sticking my head between them, and prayed:

Dear Holy God, please please please show me if I should ask Matilda out. I know you love me so much you will tell me everything I want to know. In Jesus holy precious beautiful name amen!

And then I opened the Bible, which was my Magic Communication from God book back then, and I found this under my finger:

Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion

WHOA! I knew right then that God was talking right to me with that verse! Little did Solomon know, I thought, that he wrote that verse just for me in the 21^st century! So I immediately packed a little bag with some stuff, brought my Bible to school, and waited 4 hours for the opening bell to ring. I opened my little bag; inside I had a box of candy – really nice candy with a hazelnut filling! I walked right up to Matilda as she was opening her locker and gave her the box of candy with a trembling hand.

“These are for you,” I said in a sweet voice.

Matilda actually smiled! My heart leapt! “Thank you,” she said, and she ate a few pieces. Excited, I posed my question.

“You know what flavor that is?” I asked excitedly.

“Um,” she replied, “it’s walnut, isn’t it?”

NO!!! My hopes were dashed! She didn’t know the difference between hazelnut and walnut! Here, then, was a woman without discretion! So sadly, I said to her:

“You’re a gold ring in a pig’s snout.”

I was planning on turning and walking away, but I think she slugged me because I woke up dazed on the floor. But that’s not the point! That point is that God had MISLED me and it was all his/her/its fault!

That’s just one example of how stupid the Holy Babble is. Here’s another that helped me change my mind and become an atheist:

Prov. 26:4 Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.

Prov. 26:5 Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.

Now anyone can plainly see that what we have here is an open contradiction. Stupid Christian apologists make up excuses about things like “proverbial literature” and “wisdom genre of the ANE” but it’s all a bunch of horse crap! There’s nothing in the Holy Babble that says that Proverbs aren’t absolute, or are part of some “genre”! The Bible means what it says and it says what it means, and that’s that!

Some apologists are even dumb enough to ask whether I really believe the author could put so clearly contradictory sentiments one right after the other! Of course I do! What else would you expect from a bunch of bronze age, tribal, nomadic, desert-dwelling, goatherding, bone in the nose illiterates but that they’d contradict themselves within two seconds! People in Bible times were stupid! That’s a fact of modern science!

I learned the hard way about how the Holy Babble is a pile of steaming bovine refuse! I once tried to apply these verses at the same time, thinking in blind faith that they were not contradictory!

What happened was this. I wanted to test these proverbs, so I did some research. I Googled “fools” looking for fools, and I found some here:

http://divingfools.com/

I immediately drove 1000 miles (without a bathroom break) to see these guys so I could test the timeless truths of Proverbs 26:4-5! I found one of them by a poolside and decided on a strategy: I would talk out of both sides of my mouth at once, one side following Prov. 26:4 and the other following Prov. 26:5! It was so simple and brilliant!

I came up to the guy and waited for him to say something.

“Nice day, isn’t it?” he asked.

At once I went into action. The Prov. 26:4 side of my mouth was supposed to not answer according to his folly, so out of that side of my mouth I tried to say, “Can you direct me to Taco Bell?” The Prov. 26:5 side was supposed to answer according to his folly, so out of that side, at the same time, I tried to say, “Nice day? I’ve seen nicer days at Russian gulags.” But I couldn’t get my mouth coordinated, and what ended up coming out was something that sounded like, “You are a slimy pusillanimous worm.”

I can’t remember what happened after that. When I next remember anything I was swinging from the diving board by the seat of my trunks with a big knot on my head. But one thing I do remember: God failed me that day! He/she/it could have stopped me from making a fool of myself, heck, could have stopped me any time during that 1000 mile drive, but NOOOOO! It’s all God’s fault! And that’s one reason I’m a proud atheist today!