Apr 3, 2009

Doubting John Mental Breakdown tips

It is with great sadness that today we witness the mental breakdown of one John, son of Loftus. It is with equal sadness that I feel necessary to compose this supererogatorily loquacious prose, within which I include the best sage advice for the budding lunatic from the bottom of my bowels:

The John Loftus guide to a mental breakdown: a template:

[Start by insert a string of pejorative adjectives directed at your nemesis. Even if it's just one, make it plural. Not only will this give a Shakespearean tone to your mental breakdown, but it will also make it look as if many are against you, granting you bonus points for paranoia by making you look like the victim of some grand conspiracy]. I [always refer to yourself in the singular. Even if you have a coterie of followers just as insane as you are, referring to "us" or "we" spreads out the impact of your victimhood across different individuals and in turn decreases the strength of your breakdown. Do try to avoid any overt narcissism though, it makes you less sympathetic] have had enough[In an effort to increase sympathy for your plight, it is highly recommended that you try to rephrase "I have had enough" in as long a sentence as you can; This will give a magnified impression of your intellect and increase the tragedy of the downfall of such a brilliant mind]. The [insert a string of manners of injustice and offenses suffered; bonus points if you can compare your struggle to classical mythology like the legends of Atlas or Sisiphus; perfect score if you can make up a legend featuring yourself as the protagonist and publish it under a pseudonym]. Woe unto you [remember the list of pejoratives form the beginning? Time to expand them. You are, after all, suffering a mental breakdown and as you continue to write your final letter before the men in white lock you in your padded room, its contents should reflect that. "Woe unto you" is not only an allusion to Jesus, which gets you bonus point for a messianic/martyr complex, but is also easily enough recognized by the unwashed masses. Especially those dirty tekton orangutans]. Pity me [A sudden change of tone would help indicate an unstable mind so throw no direct attacks at your enemy. You should not, of course, actually say "pity me". Instead, lament about your unfair treatment, and how your good hearted attempts to reach out to your opposition were met with derision and scorn. Imagery of you in a fetal position with shadowy, demonic faces surrounding you and laughing at you would earn you bonus points.] Blaah baawfewiahfwfew [At this point, it would be a good idea to become completely incoherent. While you can still (and probably should) use normal words, make sure their sequence is either completely meaningless or clearly indicates an inability to make use of your intellectual functions in a manner similar to that of the average human. The effectiveness of this portion of your mental breakdown depends entirely on your ability to surprise and induce fear in the reader of your tirade.]

Sample mental breakdown provided below:

Monstrous! Despicable! Evil! A thousand curses to the name of the devil prince Holding and his fiendish entourage! No longer can the brave, intelligent and handsome yet humble soul that stands before you take this nightmarish abuse! Have these ravenous dogs no bottom to their hate of intellectualism? Has their masticating pestilence no end? I have been denigrated as fool, liar and adulterer by poisonous vipers and fundy nazis of lilliputian intellect.

Has any man ever had to suffer such burdens before I? If Christ caried a cross, do I not carry a lead filled giant darwin fish? If Heracles cleared the manure from the Aegean stables in one day, have I not filled it back up in one minute? If Atlas carried the very heavens on his shoulders, have I not carried Richard Carrier's ego on mine? Woe unto you Holding, for I shall mock people's dead pets and the handicapped. Woe unto you TBT, for you shall be used like a 2 cent whore. Woe unto you incestuous tekton troglodytes, for should you show your undoubtedly fat, pimple infested dateless faces I shall stomp on them like the winemakers stomp on the grapes that produce my booze, for oh yes, I am drinking tonight. And above all, woe unto you codewordconduit, for your treason shall not be taken lightly. Though the throne of heaven stands empty, I shall ascend and sit in it, and you shall all call me God. And for the unforgivable sin of inserting a tanto between God's ribs, so shall I insert my foot in your nose.

Oh heaven and hell WHY! What have I done to bring the unbearable hammer of despair above me? Though I reach out my hand in friendship, hounds tear at it until nothing but the bones remain. Though I raise the white flag in friendship, foul hands strangle me with it. Though I bow my head at the feet of my tormentors, cruel boots step on it and drive it into the ground. Is there any man on Earth as mistreated, hated and despised as I am?

wlcraig prayed and guess who came the tekton man in Jesus' name who left but then he came once more to find my arguments a bore i lie in fear my mouth ajar as wicked wit did raise the bar for I was watching 'neath the bed to see explode green matthews' head and when your face lie on the floor our holding hate relit once more and so I pledged to you that day the tekton cult would dearly pay and just as they put me with you I'll find and turn TBT too but there's someplace I need to start and that's with that CWC tart and when that's done I'll go off holding and then I'll watch his damn corpse moldingawfewfhwaofhwaoefwa.

Buy my book.

10 comments:

Rational gaze said...

I laughed. Out loud.

Kelp(p) said...

Bahahahahahaha! Very nice!

Anonymous said...

I read your book recently and when I got to the end I just looked at myself and thought 'is that it?' Luckily I soon came accross your sister blog, which pointed out: "I think what I’ve written fits together as a whole quite well, but if the reader really wants to get the full scope of it then try reading through the book a second time." So there you go...all those who claim John's book sucks simply failed to read the book twice. So JPHolding and co, you quite rightly slate John's book based purely upon your first reading....but who can prove that it's equally rubbish when you try reading it all over again. If that fails then maybe reading it a third time will bring out those cryptic gems hidden amoungst the pages.

Mastermind said...

Sister blog. Heh...

CodewordConduit said...

I think the problem is that you were reading copies of the same book instead of buying a new one each time.

Who is Mastermind, or at the very least, have we conversed?

Mastermind said...

yes we have. check the tbt blog thread, not posting my id here.

CodewordConduit said...

Lol, I checked the thread out but I already guessed from the way you just spoke to me :p

Anonymous said...

I hope you guys can post these videos on John W. Loftus:

Grilling John W. LoftusHypocrisy of John W. LoftusAbsurdity of John W. Loftus

Jason said...

Just terrific. No kidding.

I'm glad for whatever segue lead me to this. [Cheers!]

xena said...

Haven't roflmao like this in a while. I think Loftus has been medicating his *whatever* or something, lately. He's a lot of "You're attacking me" and "you're stupid and arrogant" and "get your Unclean Self off my blog" right now. I guess he must be saving the Truly Epic LiLo Crackups for his books.

He's not about the money, he says. Sure, we believe you, JWL.